Tag Archive | potus

How the Draft Allows the President to Give 110% to the ninety-nine percenters or Operation Occupulco Spring

Mar31

You are President Jones. You are in the Amityville Horror, which is the codeword for the White House. You are here because you have given up on trying to escape. It might be Stockholm Syndrome. At least the place has good whiskey, food and TV.

As the President, you are expected to keep the wheels of industry turning by keeping them greased. And it doesn’t hurt if a little grease rubs off into your wallet either. So today, you’re going to be receiving a couple visitors who are the driving force behind those cogs and sprockets. It seems that they have an urgent problem and believe that you’re the guy to solve it. You do not have to be very bright to be a banker you guess.

Right on time, the intercom chimes and Brick House says, “Sir, your one o’clock is ready, Mr. Blank…”

“Brick?…” She really hates the codewords.

“Thurston Howell the Third and J.R. Ewing are here to see you, sir.”

It amazes you how she can enunciate so well without ever unclenching her teeth. “Please, send them in.”

The door opens and a couple of guys enter. They seem like ordinary rich people, but you know, in fact, that they are the people who actually run the Earth. Yes, kids, there are jobs even worse than being President. You usher them to the couch while Brick House gets them a couple of drinks. Continue reading →

More Adventures in Stupid

Jun5

A couple evenings back, we all went out and sat on the porch. Rascal, our Dalmatian puppy was playing on her lead with the Prince down in the yard. Suddenly the Prince is very excited because he’s discovered a frog. A Fowler’s toad to be exact. If you’re living in the south and you’re male, this is the frog you’ve played with a thousand times.

Well, when the Prince discovered it, so did the mutt. And she did what she’s done with voles, mice, birds and even bats. She ran over and bit it. Now I didn’t know this, but it turns out that those toads are poisonous. It was pretty obvious from the reaction of the dog. She spent a minute or so looking like she was trying to spit out her own tongue.

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So we ran out there, got her in the house and the Queen washed her mouth out. Then we did some research. Now I’ve seen a smaller dog bite a poison arrow frog in Florida and live. Of course about six hours of that living wasn’t all that pleasant. but he did live. So I wasn’t too worried about a frog I didn’t even realize had poison. Bottom line, as long as she didn’t eat a couple of them whole, she was in no danger.

Now the really bad part is that it was close to the Prince’s birthday and one of the things he got were little glow stick swords. So right after the dog’s first ever psychedelic trip began, we turned off the lights and started waving around glowing colored sticks. After she got done watching the glowing colors, we turned the lights on and she spent some quality time staring at a white wall. I guess that’s the equivalent of standing still on firm ground after riding one of those whirly rides as the fair.

E.W.

We’re starting a pool on how many more of them she has to bite before she figures out not to bite them. I’ve got three…

© 2012 Evil Wordsmith. Evilwordsmith.com. All Rights Reserved.

How the Draft Takes Politics Out of the Equation or Your Skeleton’s Coming Out Party

Mar26

You are President Jones, and thanks to your innate problem solving skills your buddies at Nielsen tell you your popularity is just north of Number One. Number One of course is the code word you issued for George Washington just to annoy the Creeps, which is the code word for the NSA. Yep you’ve tackled world peace, solved the border problem, boosted taxes (well briefly anyway) and gone a long way toward cleaning up the oil spill in the gulf.

Now I know you Republicans out there are wondering, how exactly does letting the Mexicans come on in count as solving that problem. Now that’s easy, three days after you opened the gate, Santa Anna (code word for President Calderon) sent the Federales (whose real name is so cool they don’t really need a code word) to the border and shut it. And by shut it I mean they built a second fence… er well… lets just say the code word is The Great Wall Of Mexico. And it didn’t cost the Plebs (code word for you, dear reader) a dime.

In light of the massive hard work that you’ve done (and if you don’t think it’s hard work, see how you feel when your hangover begins at the sound of shaped charge taking your jail cell door out…) you’ve decided to take a light day. And so, you are presently sitting quietly, pleasantly taking tea with The Wicked Witch of the West. We’ll get to that code word shortly. Continue reading →

How the Draft Solves the Big Problems or Remember the Azamo.

Feb26

Drafting POTUSDrafting POTUS

You are President Jones. It’s been six weeks since Agent Smith showed up at your door to inform you that you have been drafted. So basically, basic training is over now. And you realize that being in the military isn’t so bad. You can still go pretty much anywhere you used to go as long as you take Agent Smith and his clone army with you. Better, you can go places you couldn’t go, like Rome for Operation Gladiator. And, the Men in Black (code word for the Secret Service) come in handy in a bar fight. Even after the local police show up.

You are still part of the military however and that comes with all the drawbacks you can imagine. People, usually pissed off people, constantly want to come talk to you. Particularly the Vampires (code word for the Treasury Department) and the Werewolves (code word for Congress). Then there are the people who want to send you large volumes of boring paper to read, despite the fact that you have warned them about such things. And the worst part are the press conferences, one of which is scheduled for you in a couple of hours.

Ordinarily you blow these off. It’s always full of reporters who want to hear you make a speech about nothing and then ask a bunch of questions about less than nothing. However, since Vampire Bill (code name for the Secretary of the Treasury) wants to have an unpleasant chat with you about the Ferrari donated to some sheriff’s department, the very department that was neutralized by the Men in Black, you’ve chosen the lesser of two evils. Continue reading →

How the Draft Affects Foreign Policy or Operation Gladiator

Jun20

You are President Jones.  You are in the Oval Office.  You are there because the door is locked and the windows are pretty tough.  So you are doing what presidents do, talking on the phone.  If you don’t believe me, check out any photo op pictures of any president.  They are always on the phone.

“AWESOME!  You da man, Berli!…  Yeah, your debt is paid in full dude…  Yeah, see you tonight man!”

You press a button to get the line to the Shrew, and she answers, “Yes Sir?”

“Tell Captain Tailhook to get the Mile High Club ready, Operation Road Trip is a go.  Then get me the Drinking Buddies and tell them we are wheels up for Operation Gladiator in two hours.  Remind them not to forget the Friendly Scotsman, Andrew Jackson and the Redneck.”  You’re really getting the hang of the code word.

For you non-presidents, I’ll translate.  What you just said was tell the commander of Air Force One to get the plane ready to go to Rome.  And tell the Joint Chiefs that Operation Gladiator is about to commence so don’t forget the Scotch, Jack Daniels and the beer.  We’ll get to Operation Gladiator in a minute. Continue reading →

How to Pick a President

Jun19

I just had a discussion recently with a Fox-breathing republican friend of mine where I pointed out that while I did drink the O koolaid, I’ve been clean and sober for about a year now. There probably should be a 12 step group for this, but I think most of the 12 steppers probably drank the W koolaid.

Now that I’m sober, I realize I haven’t liked any of our presidents much since Reagan. So I started thinking about how we could pick a good one, since this whole voting thing isn’t working out so well.

Now I don’t want to ditch voting entirely, since that seems to lead to things like the Taliban and Kim Jung Il. I kinda like the Queen of England, but after all that shooting a couple centuries back, we really can’t ask her I guess. I thought about this for a long time then it hit me:

Bring back the draft. Continue reading →

96 Points in the Game on the Wall, 96 Points in the Game…

Jan10

Picture an airport bar, somewhere halfway between Green Bay, Wisconsin and Phoenix, Arizona…

A bunch of large surly looking men, half which are in red pajamas and half in green, are sitting at the bar, watching a football game having a few beers.  One of them in red shouts, “GEEZ, he scored again!”

His buddy in green replies, “I bet I could have stopped that…”

Red says, “Ever get that feeling you’re forgetting something but you can’t remember what it was?”

“Yeah, I’ve had that feeling all day, seems like I was supposed to be going somewhere.” Green says.

“And you know that feeling is never wrong…”

“Another touchdown… good thing we aren’t drinking to the scores.”

E.W.

In walks a bunch of irritated guys in darker green jammies, “… no flights to Dallas at all till next Fall…” one of them mutters.

2009 Vote

Nov3

Here in Virginia they’re making a big deal about our Gubernatorial election. I’ve heard several times today from News prognosticators that the Virginia election will be a referendum on Pres. Obama’s popularity and his policies. I don’t think so Virginians are that shallow. And I find the comment some what insulting.

I’ve lived in Virginia for most of my life. We moved here when I was 3. While the state has been some what conservative and republican for a majority of it’s history. It’s also an intelligent and contemporary place as well. We can give credit for that to Northern Virginia and the influx of people from around the world who come there to work in and around Washington DC. But don’t discount the high education and engaging people around our Universities as well. Virginia Tech, Univ. of Va, George Mason and James Madison are all highly respected colleges that turn out some very smart people who can actually thing for themselves.

We have the ability to look at issues affecting our state separate from those affecting a Presidential or national stage. We understand the affect of decisions in DC upon our State. But we also take accountability for our own government and how it approaches the real problems that all Virginians face around the state.

So to those prognosticators I say, shut up and sit down. Your 10 minutes are up. Not everything that happens in politics is based on the popularity of someone, or the popularity of their policies. Virginians are smart, educated and quite capable of deciding our elections based on issues and not on the popularity of which parties lapel pin you’re wearing.