Archive by Author | Evil Wordsmith

How the Draft Deals with Scandal or Operation Shell Game

When you are President, there is nothing worse than being wakened at 4 AM. Oh wait, yes there is. Being wakened at 4 AM by Spin Cycle, the code word for the White House Communications Director. You roll over in the bed and pick up the phone that’s making the annoying sound that woke you up. “Spin, if you have come to spread some cheer to me, I’m going to have Agent Smith shoot you.”

He bursts into your bedroom. “Oh there’s no cheer today, sir. And Agent Smith’s not here which oddly is the reason I came to talk to you.”

As you sit up and pull on your warmups, you recall groggily that Agent Smith and his team has been sent ahead to “secure” your hotel in Grindo Zero, codeword for Cartagena. Once again you’ve been tasked to attend a “summit” meeting, which is an apt description of all of these. They all are a lot like mountain climbing. It’s real hard, you have to be insane to do it even if you use all the safety equipment and it accomplishes absolutely nothing.

“About that, how’s the speech coming?”

“Oh,” he says all too chipperly, “it’s coming along nicely, I’ll have the first draft in a couple days.” Continue reading →

Scratch One Career Option

Apr25

The Prince will never be suited for a life of crime. Here’s why:

When I’m away on business, the last thing the Prince does in the evening is read a chapter of his reading book. Currently that would be the Hank the Cowdog series by John Erickson. So one night a few weeks ago, it’s reading time and I ask him what chapter we’re reading. He tells me that it’s chapter 5 and I tell him no, it’s got to be chapter 6 because we already read the part at the end of chapter 5.

To this he replies, “Are you sure? I thought I read that when I was sneaking in the closet last night.”

I said, “What?”

“Oh… um… nothing, never mind.”

E.W.

My son sneaks out of bed to read. Guess that explains the 12th grade reading level.

How the Draft Allows the President to Give 110% to the ninety-nine percenters or Operation Occupulco Spring

Mar31

You are President Jones. You are in the Amityville Horror, which is the codeword for the White House. You are here because you have given up on trying to escape. It might be Stockholm Syndrome. At least the place has good whiskey, food and TV.

As the President, you are expected to keep the wheels of industry turning by keeping them greased. And it doesn’t hurt if a little grease rubs off into your wallet either. So today, you’re going to be receiving a couple visitors who are the driving force behind those cogs and sprockets. It seems that they have an urgent problem and believe that you’re the guy to solve it. You do not have to be very bright to be a banker you guess.

Right on time, the intercom chimes and Brick House says, “Sir, your one o’clock is ready, Mr. Blank…”

“Brick?…” She really hates the codewords.

“Thurston Howell the Third and J.R. Ewing are here to see you, sir.”

It amazes you how she can enunciate so well without ever unclenching her teeth. “Please, send them in.”

The door opens and a couple of guys enter. They seem like ordinary rich people, but you know, in fact, that they are the people who actually run the Earth. Yes, kids, there are jobs even worse than being President. You usher them to the couch while Brick House gets them a couple of drinks. Continue reading →

Virginia Probing

Mar24

I swear I’m going to start another blog with that title. Anyway, I know how to make the idiotic Virginia probe law fair. It’s simple, require the father of the child get the same probe. It would work like this.

Doc Hudson: It’s your choice, son, eighteen years of child support or an hour with Bessie.

Father: Who’s Bessie?

Doc Hudson: [Goes to a curtain and opens it, revealing something that looks like a sterile chain saw.] This’eres Bessie, the finest anal probing machine ever built. Continue reading →

A Book About Us

Mar20

I do engineering work, and as a result I know quite a few technicians and engineers like me. One thing we all have in common is that we often seem cold and detached. We are well suited to mining through and moving data because it’s built into our psyche. We are also poorly suited for the emotional world around us.

Unfortunately our wives don’t always get to see the other sides of us. Sometimes in our effort to do what we see as our duty we bury that other side so deep that I’m sure it seems like that other side has simply vanished, or worse, was never there in the first place.

One of those engineer friends of mine, Greg Riffe, has written a book which gives a unique look beneath his surface. I’m not finished reading it yet, but it’s obvious to me that he is bravely speaking for the rest of us who share this detached persona.

He’s opened up that other side for everyone to see. If you’re one of the spouses wondering if the rest of him is still in there, then this is a book you should read. If you’re one of the analytical types who seem unfeeling and overly guarded, you should read this and remember that part of yourself hidden deep within.

A Look Behind My Eyes, by Greg Riffe

E.W.

By the way Greg has been a very bad influence in my life. Talked me into doing really dumb things like quitting a perfectly good job and becoming self employed. Pretty sure he’s owed some bad Karma for that, and barring that maybe a beer or two. His friendship is one I truly honor and respect.

Serious Pagan Study

Mar20

I have been an atheist all of my life, shunning anything spiritual. Years ago I met a great guy who was devoutly Christian and I couldn’t help but notice what his deep spirituality did for him. I envied that a great deal.

Now I could never be Christian, I simply can’t get past a lot of the dogma that surrounds it. It just doesn’t fit me. However I did make a wonderful discovery in Paganism. I met some new friends who showed me that I can be spiritual simply by deciding for myself what I believe and how to use that belief.

In short, my religion is a religion of one. It is tailor made for me and by me. And I’d say that it works as well as my friend’s beliefs did for him.

Now I’m naturally a planner, there is still nothing more fun to me than playing with the kid and his Legos. And I build for a living as well. So it wasn’t too hard for me to build a religion without a plan. I did have plenty of good help, but I made the plan from scratch.

I realize that for a lot of people, they need someone else to help create the plan. Fortunately there are a number of good places to start, and here is one of them:
Pagan Metaphysics 101

E.W.
One of those people who helped me early on was, in fact the author of this book, Springwolf. Oh and she’s now my Queen. So yeah, I guess I cheated…

Things That Just Bother Me

Mar20

Ever pull up to a stop light in traffic and look next to you and there is no car? I mean there’s a car in front of you, and a car next to him, a car behind you and a car next to him, yet there is NO car next to you? I always wonder which one of us has lost it. Either that guy who stopped short sees a car that isn’t there, or there IS a car there and I can’t see it. I’ve noticed it never happens when someone is in the car with me so I can ask, “Do you see the car sitting next to us?”

This happens a lot around Charlotte. I think it might be insanity brought on by the fact that red lights last long enough here to read a novel. Or, if I’m the one not seeing the cars, it’s insanity brought on by driving amongst the drivers here.

E.W.

Is there a rule in a book somewhere that says you have to count to 10 after the light turns green before you move?

NFL Conference Week

Jan22

Ok, man, that beating Tebow took was awful. If I weren’t a man I probably would have cried. Especially since he didn’t cover the fricken spread. I’m ok though, I didn’t have real money on it. I guess that’s the difference between live and replay, Mel’s movie got to be kinda boring after about an hour and half of beating. But that beating in the game was live!

Speaking of beatings, did the Packers miss the plane to Lambeau Field? No worries though, it wasn’t much of a game, so they didn’t miss anything. Except another Lombardi…

Guess I have to root for Baltimore so I can see brothers face off in the Superbowl. That’s almost as bad as having to root for New England.

My take:

Away	Home	Away	Home	Favorite	Line	O/U
Baltimore	New England	19	23	New England	5	42
NY Giants	San Francisco	19	24	San Francisco	6	43

Vegas:

Favorite	Line	O/U	Bet	O/U
New England	7.0	49.5	Baltimore	Under
San Francisco	2.0	41.0	San Francisco	Over

There are no good bets.

E.W.

Tebow is no Person of Interest…

NFL Divisional Week

Jan12

I guess it’s my fault for dissing The Tebow. So we were all punished for my transgression. Still though, I feel like I got a whole lot of help from the Tin Foil Curtain.

Now the bad news for The Tebow. I have it on good authority that Pontius Pilate… er I mean, Belichick has authorized the beatings and they are set to begin at 8 PM EST on Saturday January 14th live on CBS. It really is evil to make me root for New England.

My take:

Away	Home	Away	Home	Favorite	Line	O/U
Denver	New England	19	28	New England	9	46
Houston	Baltimore	19	23	Baltimore	4	41
NY Giants	Green Bay	21	29	Green Bay	8	49
New Orleans	San Francisco	20	23	San Francisco	3	43

Vegas:

Favorite	Line	O/U	Bet	O/U
New England	13.5	50.5	Denver	Under
Baltimore	7.5	36.0	Houston	Over
Green Bay	7.5	53.0	Green Bay	Under
New Orleans	3.5	47.5	San Francisco	Under

There are no good bets.

E.W.

I suppose it would be in bad taste for the NE grounds keeper to paint human size crosses on the field with “Insert Tebow here” under them. I should shut up now, ‘fore I’m forced to do something like root for Dallas.

NFL Wildcard Week

Jan8

I’m late posting. Thanks to the really seriously tight race for mediocrity in the AFC West, I discovered a bug in my spreadsheets that handle tie breakers. Apparently the Devil IS in the details, because my spreadsheet told me Tebow ain’t going to the playoffs.

Getting that bug fixed didn’t help me or Tebow. Yeah he’s going to the playoffs, one game, then home. And I flagged one good bet. Thanks for nothing Brees, why couldn’t you just be happy with a 20 point win? So much for the under bet.

My take:

Away	Home	Away	Home	Favorite	Line	O/U
Cincinnati	Houston	19	23	Houston	4	42
Pittsburgh	Denver	23	19	Pittsburgh	4	42
Detroit	New Orleans	19	28	New Orleans	9	48
Atlanta	NY Giants	23	22	Atlanta	1	45

Vegas:

Favorite	Line	O/U	Bet	O/U
Houston	4.0	38.0	Cincinnati	Over
Pittsburgh	8.5	33.5	Denver	Over
New Orleans	10.5	59.5	Detroit	Under
NY Giants	3.0	47.5	Atlanta	Under

As I indicated, there was one good bet, that the NO game would go under. And thanks to 20-20 hindsight, you can see that I blew it.

E.W.

Sean Payton is my new favorite coach in the NFL. He’s the first one that has figured out that you don’t have to burn the clock if you just keep on scoring. Someone email this to John Fox.