Tag Archive | how the draft takes politics out of the equation

How the Draft Allows the President to Give 110% to the ninety-nine percenters or Operation Occupulco Spring

Mar31

You are President Jones. You are in the Amityville Horror, which is the codeword for the White House. You are here because you have given up on trying to escape. It might be Stockholm Syndrome. At least the place has good whiskey, food and TV.

As the President, you are expected to keep the wheels of industry turning by keeping them greased. And it doesn’t hurt if a little grease rubs off into your wallet either. So today, you’re going to be receiving a couple visitors who are the driving force behind those cogs and sprockets. It seems that they have an urgent problem and believe that you’re the guy to solve it. You do not have to be very bright to be a banker you guess.

Right on time, the intercom chimes and Brick House says, “Sir, your one o’clock is ready, Mr. Blank…”

“Brick?…” She really hates the codewords.

“Thurston Howell the Third and J.R. Ewing are here to see you, sir.”

It amazes you how she can enunciate so well without ever unclenching her teeth. “Please, send them in.”

The door opens and a couple of guys enter. They seem like ordinary rich people, but you know, in fact, that they are the people who actually run the Earth. Yes, kids, there are jobs even worse than being President. You usher them to the couch while Brick House gets them a couple of drinks. Continue reading →

How the Draft Takes Politics Out of the Equation or Your Skeleton’s Coming Out Party

Mar26

You are President Jones, and thanks to your innate problem solving skills your buddies at Nielsen tell you your popularity is just north of Number One. Number One of course is the code word you issued for George Washington just to annoy the Creeps, which is the code word for the NSA. Yep you’ve tackled world peace, solved the border problem, boosted taxes (well briefly anyway) and gone a long way toward cleaning up the oil spill in the gulf.

Now I know you Republicans out there are wondering, how exactly does letting the Mexicans come on in count as solving that problem. Now that’s easy, three days after you opened the gate, Santa Anna (code word for President Calderon) sent the Federales (whose real name is so cool they don’t really need a code word) to the border and shut it. And by shut it I mean they built a second fence… er well… lets just say the code word is The Great Wall Of Mexico. And it didn’t cost the Plebs (code word for you, dear reader) a dime.

In light of the massive hard work that you’ve done (and if you don’t think it’s hard work, see how you feel when your hangover begins at the sound of shaped charge taking your jail cell door out…) you’ve decided to take a light day. And so, you are presently sitting quietly, pleasantly taking tea with The Wicked Witch of the West. We’ll get to that code word shortly. Continue reading →

How the Draft Solves the Big Problems or Remember the Azamo.

Feb26

Drafting POTUSDrafting POTUS

You are President Jones. It’s been six weeks since Agent Smith showed up at your door to inform you that you have been drafted. So basically, basic training is over now. And you realize that being in the military isn’t so bad. You can still go pretty much anywhere you used to go as long as you take Agent Smith and his clone army with you. Better, you can go places you couldn’t go, like Rome for Operation Gladiator. And, the Men in Black (code word for the Secret Service) come in handy in a bar fight. Even after the local police show up.

You are still part of the military however and that comes with all the drawbacks you can imagine. People, usually pissed off people, constantly want to come talk to you. Particularly the Vampires (code word for the Treasury Department) and the Werewolves (code word for Congress). Then there are the people who want to send you large volumes of boring paper to read, despite the fact that you have warned them about such things. And the worst part are the press conferences, one of which is scheduled for you in a couple of hours.

Ordinarily you blow these off. It’s always full of reporters who want to hear you make a speech about nothing and then ask a bunch of questions about less than nothing. However, since Vampire Bill (code name for the Secretary of the Treasury) wants to have an unpleasant chat with you about the Ferrari donated to some sheriff’s department, the very department that was neutralized by the Men in Black, you’ve chosen the lesser of two evils. Continue reading →