Die Hard D.C.

A play by me. Well, plagiarized by me…

The scene: Hans Gruber, played by Secretary Paulson, has hatched a scheme to steal $700 billion dollars from the Federal Reserve. He’s chatting with his evil genius kid Theo, played by Ben Bernanke, who has just informed Gruber that he’s in place, he can move the money, but he can’t get it out of the bank, the last seal is impenetrable.

Theo: I’m in! I am now the Chairman of the Federal Reserve.

Hans: Excellent.

Theo: Not really, I can move the money just about anywhere, except to where we can get it. I told you, I can’t get past the last barrier.

[Hans is distracted, watching the CNN feed on the monitor.]

Voice of the President from the monitor: … serious problem. Under our proposal, the federal government would put up to $700 billion taxpayer dollars on the line…

Hans: The fiscal restraints that cannot be broken locally are broken automatically in response to a fiscal crisis. You asked for a miracle, I give you the P O T U S.

The lights dim, alarms begin going off, slowly, the vault opens. It’s bright inside, full of money, jewels and treasure.


The scene: John McClane, played by, oddly enough, John McCain, the uninvited guest of the party in Washington shows up just as Hans’ plan is about to unfold. Suddenly, four of his henchmen, the House Republicans are missing. Worse for Hans, McClane has gotten the attention of Officer Powell, played by Barack Obama, who has now summoned up the Democrats gathered outside.

Hans: I thought I told all of you, I want silence until further…

McClane: Ooooh, I’m very sorry Hans, I didn’t get that message. Maybe you should have put it on the bulletin board. I figured since I just waxed Tony (played by Richard Shelby) and Marco (Played by John Boehner), I figured you might be a little lonely, so I decided to give you a call.

Hans: Eh, that’s… very kind of you, considering you are a mysterious party crasher. you are most troubling for a Presidential candidate.

McClane: Bzzzt. Sorry, Hans, wrong guess. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change?

Hans: Who are you then?

McClane: Just a fly in the ointment, Hans. The monkey in the wrench. The pain in the ass.


The scene: There’s a little break in the meeting. McClane and Powell talk.

McClane: These guys are mostly Wall Street judging by their clothes and their…

[Long pause while McClane clicks his pen a few times.]

McClane: pens. They’re well financed and very slick.

Powell: How do you know that?

McClane: I’ve seen enough pocket politicians in my time to know that the ones they got must have cost a fortune. Add all that up. I don’t know what the fuck it means, but you got some badass perpetrators and they’re here to stay.

Powell: I hear ya, partner. And the Democrat’s finest are on it.


The scene: It’s later in the meeting. There’s a sense of stalemate, everyone is tired. Hans tries a little psychology.

Hans: Mr. Mystery Guest? Are you still there?

McClane: Yeah, I’m still here. Unless you wanna open the front door for me.

Hans: Uh, no I’m afraid not. But you have me at a loss. You know me, but who are you? Just another Politician who saw too many movies as a child. Just another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he’s Arnold Schwarzenegger or Ronald Reagan?

McClane: I was always partial to Sony Bono actually. I really dig those sequined shirts.

Hans: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Singer?

McClane: I got you babe, motherfucker.


The scene: Hans has Holly (played by Nancy Pelosi) and is just about to get away.

Holly: After all your posturing, all your speeches, you’re nothing but a common theif.

Hans: I am an exceptional thief.


Like Ted Turner, I want a bit part in my movie somewhere. I was thinking maybe one of the Agents Johnson…