Adventures in Stupid

I get the call last night from the field to bring the Thing We Don’t Have On The Truck ™. Of course the call came just as I pulled up in the driveway coming back from the shop. So, I head out to the shop to get the Thing We Don’t Have On The Truck ™. Just as I get there, it starts to rain little balls of ice. By the time I get to the jobsite with the Thing We Don’t Have On The Truck ™ it is pouring rain, snow and ice.

I find the crew, and having made do without the Thing We Don’t Have On The Truck ™, finished with the project. Our main crew guy asks me, “Do you still wanna scrap the stuff we removed?”

Amazed by this question, which translates in my head to “Do you want some free money?” I say “Yes of course we scrap it.”

He says, “Then we need to put it on your truck, there’s no where to put it on mine. Besides you are going near the scrap yard on the way out in the morning.” And he tells me where the scrap yard is.

I find this whole conversation suspicious but can’t quite put my finger on why. So we put the 380 pound chunk of steel onto the back of my truck and I go to the house.

This morning I get up. It’s no longer snowing or icing. Just rain. Lots of rain. Knowing that I’m about to singlehandedly roll a 380 pound chunk of steel off the end of my truck, I want my boots and gloves. Unfortunately, said 380 pound chunk of steel is rolled up tight against my truck tool box, where my boots and gloves are.

I head off to the scrap yard. As I head toward the scales, I notice the big mud field down the other road and am glad the scales are the other way. I get on the scales and the guy comes out and informs me that I need to now drive back around and go down into the big mud field and toss the 380 pound chunk of steel at the pile beside the railroad track.

I plan my route carefully since I really don’t want my two wheel drive truck stuck in the mud. I aim for the high ground and thankfully I have traction. I stop my truck and try to step out on said high ground. My foot, along with my white tennis shoe disappears into the mud, about to my ankle. So… in for a penny they say… I get the rest of the way out of my truck and make my way to the tail gate, hoping my shoes come back up with my feet at each step.

I climb up into the bed of my truck and begin to chuck the smaller pieces of steel into the mud. The first two disappear completely. The next two seemed to be on top of something down in the mud. I notice that this causes a little spring to well up near the front of my truck. Reminds me of the opening credits of Beverly Hillbillies, only I ain’t gonna be getting rich today. Finally I amaze myself by being able to roll said 380 pound chunk of steel off my truck.

Now for my escape. I figure once I get started there will be no stopping in this mud. So I was going pretty fast when the back bumper of my truck hits the concrete barrier block on the side of the mud field. On the plus side, I can get to my boots now cause nothing in my truck is near the front of the bed.

My big fear is not the scrap I have made of the tail of my truck now. No my fear now is that I am stopped in the mud field. There may be no escape. I put the truck in gear and amazingly I can move forward. I can also see the concrete block now… I take a chance and stop since I don’t think I can get out by moving ahead. In reverse I spin the wheels. Only one way to go… forward. I hope there is a hole.

Turns out, there is a hole. The hard road that isn’t muddy on the other side of the tracks. The road that the guy meant for me to go down in the first place. So I get back on the scales, get paid and get out of there.

Next stop: the car wash. I get out of my muddy truck and put my money in the machine and proceed to wash my tennis shoes, and then with the leftover time the truck.


As I write this I am in the laundromat washing my shoes. I just pulled them out of the dryer. One is completely dry. The other is soaked. I am pretty sure this is some kind of physical symmetry violation.